The 75 Best Twitter Accounts of 2016

Comedy Lists Best of 2016
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The 75 Best Twitter Accounts of 2016

Is Twitter still popular enough to unwittingly bring about the end of civilization? Seems like the microblogging biz has taken quite a hit over the last year or so, what with Facebook assuming the clear lead in election-impacting fake news propagation, the non-stop harassment campaigns against women and minorities on Twitter, and those harassers getting angered by the permanent banning of one or two of the thousands of racist asshole trolls who intentionally try to get banned from things like Twitter so they can expand their brand by whining about censorship and intolerance against conservatives. What’s a @Jack to do?

We’re not here to talk about Twitter as a thing you type into on your phone, though. We’re here to talk about the people who still make the time-devouring soul parasite occasionally worth visiting—the people who, beyond all logic and sense, are able to use this gushing hate spigot to actually entertain and inspire us. Yes, maybe even educate us. From comedians to comedy writers to more comedians to, I don’t know, journalists or bloggers, or whatever?, these were the funniest, most memorable, and just all-around best Twitter accounts of 2016. Enjoy them now, before all of our time becomes devoted to a desperate, unending quest for basic survival, and things like Twitter, reading and laughter become barely remembered legends of a possibly mythological past.

75. Breakfast Haver—@weedguy420boner

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Twitter Bio: Not waving but clowning
Best Recent Tweet: Time to get on cyber Monday and order my annual pair of pants
Runner-Up: Really noticing how much my neighborhood has gentrified while looking for a liquor store open on Christmas

74. Conner O’Malley—@conner_omalley

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Twitter Bio: spelling and grammar are not important to me
Best Recent Tweet: Donate 2 my gofundme 2 reshoot Indecent Proposal with my parents playing Demi Moore & Woody Harrelson parts me playing Robert Redford’s part
Runner-Up: When the job guy asked for my resume I said “this is me” and pointed at my stone temple pilots shit

73. The Mountain Goats—@mountain_goats

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Twitter Bio: from Hell it came to ravage by night
Best Recent Tweet: 2017 is gonna be whatever it’s gonna be but nothing can shake our collective resolve to say “get this:” at the beginning of more sentences
Runner-Up: dude yells “rigged!” all summer and we all ignored the deathless maxim that could have spared us: he who smelt it, dealt it

72. Dana Schwartz—@DanaSchwartzzz

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Twitter Bio: Senior @Observer arts and culture writer. See also: @GuyInYourMFA, @DystopianYA.
Best Recent Tweet: My high school teacher once made us all read this poem he wrote out loud in class and it was lowkey about how much he hated teaching us
Runner-Up: LEIA: [entire planet and everyone she know just exploded]
LEIA: [looks at the camera like Jim]

71. Chip Zdarsky—@zdarsky

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Twitter Bio: SEX CRIMBALS, HOWARD A DUCK, KAPTARA, OUR STAR LORD. Is there anything this man WON’T do? Nope. C’mere.
Best Recent Tweet: Look I don’t want to sound like a misogynist but women have given birth to some really terrible men
Runner-Up: did the death star sign some sort of 9-movie deal I haven’t heard of

70. Jake Fogelnest—@jakefogelnest

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Twitter Bio: Hampton DeVille (Comedy Central 2017) • Girlboss (Netflix 2017) • Difficult People • Wet Hot American Summer: First Day Of Camp • Billy On The Street
Best Recent Tweet: My new thing is going to be replying “This whole thing is nuts!” on every Facebook comment thread. Not even going to read them first.
Runner-Up: Sure, 2016 has been enormously difficult, but I am the best looking person in this dermatologist’s office waiting room by a long shot.

69. Sara Schaefer—@saraschaefer1

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Twitter Bio: Comedian. Stand up album: Subscribe to my newsletter: Or stalk me here:
Best Recent Tweet: Honestly I feel like the only thing that would bring Trump down at this point would be a video of him going down on Hillary
Runner-Up: comedy is best when the artist is given total freedom but if that happened for me I’d make an entire show making fun of perfume commercials

68. Megan Beth Koester—@bornferal

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Twitter Bio: I am a daughter of the Golden West.
Best Recent Tweet: Want to feel old? Mariah Carey’s holiday hit “All I Want for Christmas Is You” was written 22yrs before America became a terrifying dystopia
Runner-Up: “Mommy,” my fictional 4 y.o. son, Brayden yelled, “the clerk said Happy Holidays, not Merry Christmas!” “Get my blogging pants,” I replied

67. Priscilla Page—@BBW_BFF

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Twitter Bio: stygian as fuck &
Best Recent Tweet: my sexual orientation is soft ‘70s-dad masculinity
Runner-Up: like an authentic cowboy, today I drove out to farm country and spent most of that time yelling, “holy shit, it’s a fucking horse!”

66. Jake Weisman—@weismanjake

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Twitter Bio: Comedian, Diva – Hampton DeVille coming to Comedy Central in 2017
Best Recent Tweet: Just found out there’s no god, wow
Runner-Up: If you’re depressed, congrats, you’re right about stuff

65. Mitra Jouhari—@tweetrajouhari

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Twitter Bio: @fullfrontalsamb | @holyfuckny | @threebusydebras | It’s a Guy Thing @unionhallny | You Are Heard @annoyancenyc | cloak comedian | views = my own
Best Recent Tweet: We have created an America that really opens up a lot of opportunities to be a blonde woman who yells for a living
Runner-Up: Just got a starring role in a student film w/ over 400 sex scenes! No speaking lines (just male voice over) but I think this is my big break

64. Caleb Synan—

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Twitter Bio: Stand Up Comedian from Last Comic Standing and CONAN. I enjoy margaritas and Billy Joel ~ Watch Me here:
Best Recent Tweet: If you hated 2016 the good news is next year will be 1950
Runner-Up: I wonder if Trump is jealous of all the attention 2016 is getting

63. Solomon Georgio—@solomongeorgio

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Twitter Bio: Homonégro superior. Conan, Comedy Central & Viceland.
Best Recent Tweet: Be careful everyone. Bigots become bigger bigots if you point out their bigotry. If we’re quiet, they’ll find nice ways to murder us.
Runner-Up: I hate when the news makes errors like “Ivanka Trump harrassed” when they mean “Ivanka Trump finally deals with a consequence”.

62. Ron Funches—@RonFunches

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Twitter Bio: Powerless on NBC Feb 2nd 8:30pm, 18x @Midnight Champion. Former DDT Pro Ironman Champion. Ambassador of Downtown Leisure.
Best Recent Tweet: Just tried on a shirt that fit that doesn’t have a single X in the size. WTF is this?
Runner-Up: I hate following bad comedians, and good ones, and also mediocre ones, I would like the audience to not have heard of comedy before me.

61. Zack Bornstein—@ZackBornstein

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Twitter Bio: Writer at @nbcsnl. Former Supreme Court Justice.
Best Recent Tweet: GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Runner-Up: The only thing I know about celebrity couples is that they each make a list of 5 normal folks they’re allowed to hook up with

60. Tom Scharpling—@scharpling

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Twitter Bio: Host of The Best Show. Writer. Director. 1/2 of Scharpling & Wurster. 2016 or bust.
Best Recent Tweet: I love when bands come onstage to entrance music that is better than anything they are going to perform for the next two hours.
Runner-Up: Why did Darth Vader pitch Luke on joining forces AFTER chopping off his hand? Seems like it would be hard to close any deal after doing that

59. Kate Berlant—@kateberlant

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Twitter Bio: I begged them not to verify me.
Best Recent Tweet: Had a hyper realistic nightmare that comedy couldn’t prevent the rise of fascism
Runner-Up: So glad we have La La Land to remind us that black people are props

58. Tormblaby Piackeels—@Tormny_Pickeals

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Twitter Bio: check out my podcast if u wanna know if u can cum in space. ‘’I COMPLETELY disagree with this guy, but I like him’’ -Patton Oswardt
Best Recent Tweet: every girl wants a boy who
-buys her roses
-kisses her on the cheek
-reads ayn rand once
-explains love in terms of economic benefit
Runner-Up: i vote democrat & practice edging, because theres nothing quite like approaching a satisfying climax &then smashing your nuts to prevent it

57. Joe Kwaczala—@joekjoek

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Twitter Bio: \\\\\\\\ Writer | Comedian | Coward //////// Contributor for @ClickHole & @ONN – Host of The Wheel Show, @TheLateLiveShow and future inventor of caramel M&Ms
Best Recent Tweet: Yo church, it is weird when you make me shake my mom’s hand
Runner-Up: I once met a Rachel with such a thick California accent that it sounded like her name was Ray Charles

56. OhNoSheTwitnt—@OhNoSheTwitnt

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Twitter Bio: Jewish American Disney Princess
Best Recent Tweet: [Trump repeatedly praises foreign dictator]
This man is a patriot!

[Obama is a black guy]
I don’t even believe he’s really American.
Runner-Up: Christmas is a dude. It only comes once but everyone celebrates. Chanukah is a chick. It comes 8 times in a row but it’s not that important.

55. Stephanie McMaster—@Smethanie

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Twitter Bio: Writer. Mom. Once washed a cat in a bathroom sink at DFW Airport. smethanie on IG, Snapchat
Best Recent Tweet: I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Runner-Up: The most unbelievable part of Westworld is that anyone would spend $40k a day for a vacation lacking wifi.

54. Lauren Ashley Bishop—@sbellelauren

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Twitter Bio: i’m a comedian from arkansas. i live in LA. but i comede all over.
Best Recent Tweet: be the favorite person in your family by yelling “i know how you die!!” when natalie wood comes on screen in miracle on 34th street
Runner-Up: dogs are gonna be so angry when they find out we pee inside

53. Ziwe—@ziwe

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Twitter Bio: comic @theonion@aboveaverage@cafedotcom
Best Recent Tweet: my identity politics is “I don’t want to live in an internment camp”
Runner-Up: Ronda Rousey lost because the white working class didn’t feel inspired

52. Pixelated Boat—@PixelatedBoat

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Twitter Bio: Space criminal. Read my comics on IG – or tumblr –
Best Recent Tweet: You (ignorant about history): 2016 was the worst year ever Me (wise): The worst year was 2009 when I trapped my dick in 7 separate car doors
Runner-Up: The kids will fight back against Trump with punk rock, a white-as-hell genre created by people their grandparents’ age

51. Karen Kilgariff—@KarenKilgariff

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Twitter Bio: TV/VCR Repair
Best Recent Tweet: The definition of insanity is starting a subtitled Netflix series like you can stop looking at your phone for more than 4 seconds
Runner-Up: My secret to success? Constantly whisper “fuck you” all day long

50. DesiJed—@DesiJed

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Twitter Bio: Trump destroyer, cum lover.
Best Recent Tweet: “How Soon is Now?” then “The Killing Moon”? Why do I get the feeling this restaurant is about to finger me while we watch 120 Minutes?
Runner-Up: One thing that still brings me pleasure after the election is blow drying my bush in the gym locker room. It’s the small things.

49. Kumail Nanjiani—@kumailn

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Twitter Bio: Silicon Valley. Upcoming movie The Big Sick. Portlandia. Adventure Time. The Indoor Kids. The X-Files Files. Activist.
Best Recent Tweet: Hope: Internet will allow ppl from different backgrounds to communicate & understand one another.

Reality: All the racists found each other!
Runner-Up: Dudes: The only acceptable emotion for men to show is anger. What could go wrong?

Cut to entire earth literally on fire

48. Louis Virtel—@louisvirtel

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Twitter Bio: Verbal voguer. Tragically thin. Lost in a catsuit of emotions. Jeopardy! snapdragon. Gay for attention.
Best Recent Tweet: Reminder not to show “Home Alone” to your kids since it is a movie about taking Catherine O’Hara for granted.
Runner-Up: My favorite 38-minute pop song is “Candle in the Wind 2016.”

47. Paul F. Tompkins—@PFTompkins

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Twitter Bio: SPONTANEANATION / BoJack Horseman / Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ Snapchat: PFTompkins
Runner-Up: Yeah, I’ll delete-and-replace for typos, so what? I RESPECT THE FUTURE GENERATIONS READING MY TWEETS IN THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS.

46. Victor Pope Jr—@VictorPopeJr

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Twitter Bio: Snapchat = Victorpopejr. For business
Best Recent Tweet: somebody said “why does God hate me”. He dont hate u. He love u. He just cant leave his wife rn. U know what u was getting into.
Runner-Up: I just realized I ain’t ever called the police in my life and now I wanna call em just to see wassup

45. Marcella Arguello—@marcellacomedy

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Twitter Bio: Stop asking why I’m so mean and start asking why ya moms raised a punk ass bitch • 3x @midnight winner • 209 TIL I DIE
Best Recent Tweet: There’s no way in hell any dude who voted for Trump is good at sex.
Runner-Up: A dude rejected me by suggesting we should “just be friends” and I was like dude I’m ugly but I’m not THAT fuckin ugly.

44. Erin Gloria Ryan—@morninggloria

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Twitter Bio: Now: @TheDailyBeast. Host of @cafedotcom’s Girl Friday. Dork on @truTV’s Greatest Ever. Also: #racewars@Jezebel@Vh1. So tired. email:
Best Recent Tweet: instead of reading [breitbart writer] milo [yiannopoulos]’s book i suggest you read the front of a bus as it approaches you at top speed and from a very close distance
Runner-Up: (gets out of bed) (checks twitter) well that was a mistake

43. Desus Nice—@desusnice

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Twitter Bio: #Bodegaboys on Itunes |@desusandmero on @Viceland | tweeting shirtless in red lobster eatin on shrimp | IG: desusnice | CONTACT:
Best Recent Tweet: can they give trump a fake nuclear code? like mike jones phone number or something?
Runner-Up: To be fair Ronda Rousey won the electoral college vote

42. Chelsea Peretti—@chelseaperetti

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Twitter Bio: One of the Greats. Brooklyn Nine Nine. Hour stand-up special on Netflix. Podcast on itunes. CAPS AREN’T YELLING THEY R ACTION MOVIE LEVEL INTENSITY TWEETING.
Best Recent Tweet: Imagine if you were a food scientist who invented the “sour cream and onion” flavor, how much you’d swing ur dick around w your colleagues!
Runner-Up: I know this isnt what twitter is about but I just want to announce that I just finished reading a book! It felt great!

41. Mike Drucker—@MikeDrucker

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Twitter Bio: Co-Head Writer (Bill Nye Saves the World), Writer (Adam Ruins Everything, Tonight Show, SNL, Nintendo, IGN), Comedian, Podcast host. You be good. I love you.
Best Recent Tweet: REPUBLICANS: Obama was not strong enough against Russia. He failed. 2017 will fix this.

TRUMP: Yo, Putin. Lemme suck that dick a bit more.
Runner-Up:I’m drinking in an airport bar and “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” just came on. Good news! It’s an act break scene in my life!

40. Andy Richter—@AndyRichter

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Twitter Bio: actor/writer from Midwestern U.S., married to @SarahThyre, father of two
Best Recent Tweet: Jill Stein just told me that if I give her $600K she might be able to get Fox to bring Quintuplets back
Runner-Up: Finding out that, while I love my daughter very much, I guess I don’t sit-and-watch-her-play-Minecraft love her.

39. Jamie Loftus—@hamburgerphone

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Twitter Bio: punk/prophet/genius/billionaire/traitor | host of @bechdelcast ok bye
Best Recent Tweet: i used to think that the funniest stripper name was ‘bambi’ but with the wisdom of age i now know it is ‘bambi’s mom’
Runner-Up: SOS i appear to have lost the ‘pixie dream girl’ part of my manic pixie dream girl act

38. Mary Houlihan—@maryhoulie

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Twitter Bio: hey
Best Recent Tweet: (museum docent, in the midst of giving tour)
yes these pieces are actually from the artist’s horny period
Runner-Up: (me to grim reaper, ominously approaching)
omg!! where did u get that scythe?? it’s soooo cute

37. Joel Kim Booster—@ihatejoelkim

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Twitter Bio: a hot person with low self-esteem.
Best Recent Tweet: Male tears, white tears, liberal tears, dog tears— I don’t care, just get me a steaming cup of that salty water daddy likes so much!!
Runner-Up: God remember when our greatest enemy was Macklemore? Simpler times.

36. Tamara Yajia—@DancesWithTamis

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Twitter Bio: shit
Best Recent Tweet: I just went to the supermarket and had a cake made with the words “I am so alive” written on it and now I’m gonna eat it alone
Runner-Up: Welcome to my rustic wedding, eat these twigs bitch

35. Melissa Lozada-Oliva—@ellomelissa

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Twitter Bio: poet. bookseller. guatelombostonian. chillona. sensitive & already offended. ask me about chocolate chip cookies. mgmt:
Best Recent Tweet: i’m PASSIONATE about mistaking white people for other white people
Runner-Up: was trying 2 take off my hummingbird sweater but then it got stuck in my glasses which means i have reached my final form of Sexy Librarian

34. Dan Chamberlain—@amfmpm

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Twitter Bio: ucbtny • aa • fod • IG: amfmpmx
Best Recent Tweet: all your favorite star wars guys are BACK
- scoop rangoon
- the bot boys
- dyson airblade
- tan honda
- boingo hotspot
Runner-Up: wasted another purge burning cds :(

33. #1 VERY GOOD BOY—@markmarklittle

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Twitter Bio: Conan • Variety’s 10 Comics To Watch • Picnicface • Mr. D • JFL • The Michael Jordan of baseball of comedy
Best Recent Tweet: I’m about to sell my new movie based on tagline alone:
Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, Miranda, and…...Stifler???
Runner-Up: guy dunks on guy2
2006: he put him on a poster!
2016: he put him in a gif!
2026: he put him in the Vorp!
2036: he put him in the NEW Vorp!

32. Bobby Finger—@bobbyfinger

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Twitter Bio: staff writer @jezebel / co-host @whoweekly / moviegoer / not always there when you call / always on time
Best Recent Tweet: Dropped/shattered my phone while plugging in headphones to listen to the Anastasia soundtrack. Talk about “Once Upon a December” am I right?
Runner-Up: Watching young CGI Anthony Hopkins sashaying through a hallway made this entire season of Westworld worthwhile.

31. Zach Schonfeld—@zzzzaaaacccchhh

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Twitter Bio: I am sitting in a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, different from the one you are in now. Senior writer, @Newsweek. Tips: zschonfeld@gmail.
Best Recent Tweet: Hot Media Jobs 2017:
• Teen Vogue
• summing up woke tweetstorms for Vox .com
• writing real news about fake news
• Snapchat Influencer
• ??
Runner-Up: Finally saw the new Harry Potter film. There were a lot of FANTASTIC BEASTS, but I didn’t learn jack shit about WHERE TO FIND THEM. 6/10.

30. Fran Hoepfner—@franhoepfner

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Twitter Bio: I’m lucky & tedious // digital editor for @theonion // writer, comedian, etc. // say hi on gmail or ig @ franhoepfner
Best Recent Tweet: Mm, another calendar year gone by and I have no idea how to space anything out on an envelope
Runner-Up: Take his twitter away for fucks sake???????????????????

29. Chris Scott—@iamchrisscott

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Twitter Bio: I imagine dialogue:…. And I review movies I haven’t seen: I love you.
Best Recent Tweet: I feel like in 100 years people will automatically assume Taylor Swift’s 1989 actually came out in 1989. Is anyone else worried about this
Runner-Up: Stuff is constantly happening

28. Daniel Kibblesmith—@kibblesmith

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Twitter Bio: Writer, @ColbertLateShow | Comics (VALIANT HIGH 2017; ) | Co-Author, HOW TO WIN AT EVERYTHING ( ) | Monster Baby
Best Recent Tweet: Donald Trump Jr. looks like every drunk guy I ever saw drum his hands on the counter at a fast food restaurant
Runner-Up: “The Fate of the Furious” is the best movie title of all time and William Shakespeare’s skull is crying so hard that he didn’t think of it.

27. Joe Rumrill—@2tonbug

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Twitter Bio: (Joe Rumrill, comedian) If you have questions about Boar’s Head products, please call customer service at 800-352-6277, M-F, 8-5 EST.
Best Recent Tweet: Yeah, you could say I didn’t have a “normal” childhood…my mom was Heath Ledger’s The Joker and my dad was Jared Leto’s the Joker!
Runner-Up: Trump only got Person of the Year because technically the stars of Sausage Party were CGI food items

26. soft brexit—@tommphilip

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Twitter Bio: look I’m as happy about this as you are.
Best Recent Tweet: If I got booed in a theater it would be my greatest and most deserved achievement

25. Eminem Obama—@bloodhaiI

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Twitter Bio: college level reader • hypothedical thought…phD in intellectual studies • thinkpratruneur • angel invester • PolyFinance • yea i now a thing are two :)
Best Recent Tweet: 3rd world country: not much access to clean water
2nd world country: access to clean water but you gotta watch an ad first
Runner-Up: I promise if Donald Trump ever makes a small dick haver registry, I’ll be signing up on purpose to support the guyys on it. No other reason

24. Mike F—@mikefossey

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Twitter Bio: I make stuff with wood and i tell jokes. I know most of the states and all of the meals.
Best Recent Tweet: The Beastie Boys were an influential rap group who brought many new things to the table. For example no one had thought of being bad rappers
Runner-Up: When i was a boy we were raised to have integrity and wisdom. Now kids are all about just “hitting dabs”, “the 1s and 2s” and “scoring poon” 2 replies 47 retweets 347 likes

23. Curd Curruthers—@ByYourLogic

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Twitter Bio: my dad thought john mccain was a vietnamese manchurian candidate
Best Recent Tweet: Democrats Furious After Painting Fence For GOP And Realizing It’s Not Fun
Runner-Up not playing overwatch. it’s for horny people and appears to be about gender stuff. i play real games for adults, about army marines in war

22. Leon—@leyawn

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Twitter Bio: music: art: patreon:
Best Recent Tweet: facebook: sunday night football!
twitter: westworld was crazy
tumblr: a girl cut off her toe and sent it to another girl to make a pendant
Runner-Up: there are two types of songs. forest songs and island songs

21. Nick Ciarelli—@nickciarelli

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Twitter Bio: writer @ucbtla // contributor @clickhole // watch tween fest:
Best Recent Tweet: Sad to hear the inventor of the Big Mac passed away. Met him years ago, I’ll never forget what he said: A hamburger can also be 3 hamburgers
Runner-Up: The Scorpion King is a timeless fable because it shows that if you are strong and like to kill people you can one day become a big scorpion

20. Matt Roller—@rolldiggity

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Twitter Bio: Writer (Speechless, Son of Zorn, Community, Rick and Morty). Giraffe enthusiast.
Best Recent Tweet: It’s fun how quickly the future went from “My next car will be self driving!” to “I wonder if they’ll allow bikes in the dissident camp.”
Runner-Up: This election is like if your entire body was on fire but you were only allowed to talk about one specific body part hurting at a time.

19. Dan Abromowitz—@AnnDabromowitz

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Twitter Bio: I got too relatable and now I’m not relatable anymore. Staff writer @ClickHole
Best Recent Tweet: Manhattan’s the greatest city on earth. It’s got everything: a cube that rotates slowly, a sphere that descends slowly, everything.
Runner-Up: Clear eyes, full hearts, large sons

18. Bridger Winegar—@bridger_w

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Twitter Bio: Here we are on our third date
Best Recent Tweet: A great way to answer nearly any phone call is by saying, “Oh hi, I was just looking through all my photos of you”
Runner-Up: Love or hate Jill Stein, you have to hate Jill Stein

17. Julio Torres—@juliothesquare

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Twitter Bio: comedian, prince and telepath. conjurer of lol 4 snl.
Best Recent Tweet: I was telling a friend all about a dream I had but he had to get off the elevator so I wrapped it up by going “anyway I’m very interesting!”
Runner-Up: not to be a bitch but who opened the portal?

16. Demi Adejuyigbe—@electrolemon

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Twitter Bio: paperbag writer (@nbcthegoodplace) talk show host (@gilmoreguysshow) supercollider/butcher (on @bandcamp) black star. these are my twisted words
Best Recent Tweet: i hope drake and taylor swift aren’t really dating because their couple name ‘taybrey swaham’ is already the name of my very white baby
Runner-Up: i asked my girlfriend “do you think male ladybugs are mad” and without looking at me or changing her blank expression she said “great tweet”

15. Cole Escola—@ColeEscola

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Twitter Bio: I work from home, but I’m not a dick about it.
Best Recent Tweet: Proud to be liberal elite! Wait hold on, my little thing is buzzing and lighting up which means my order is ready. Be right back.
Runner-Up: Not to be outdone by James Corden, my talkshow will feature a segment called “Celebrity Fart Coat.” Big names. Big farts. Massive coat.

14. Patrick Monahan—@pattymo

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Twitter Bio: not the Train guy. cherries jubilee and that’s it
Best Recent Tweet: People should be treating Glenn Beck like a guy who clogged the toilet at a house party. Instead they’re saying he’s good now. What a world
Runner-Up: Congrats to Deadpool on its Golden Globe nomination for Most Epic Motherfarkin Bacon For The Win Like A Boss Sriracha Bill Murray

13. Megan Amram—@meganamram

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Twitter Bio: it’s this weird, sexual, anti-comedy comedy that’s ‘in’ right now. – my mom
Best Recent Tweet: If life begins at conception then I can use the carpool lane for the next few days
Runner-Up: I cannot BELIEVE Ben Carson was ever a doctor. It must’ve been a ratatouille situation under his hat

12. Bob Vulfov—@bobvulfov

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Twitter Bio: I was gonna be a great athlete but then McDonald’s came out with the Dollar Menu
Best Recent Tweet: MEDIA: lets give them a chance before we call them nazis
[nazis do some nazi stuff]
MEDIA: these alt-right folks are economically frustrated
Runner-Up: people think i really like drumming but the truth is that i hate drums so i enjoy beating the crap out of them

11. Anna Drezen—@annadrezen

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Twitter Bio: Joke witch for @nbcsnl@Reductress@UCBTheatreNY! I did books:
Best Recent Tweet: As a conservative it’s my right to believe that all dinosaurs were white
Runner-Up: I went to see Cats the musical and everyone booed me because I wouldn’t stop screaming “i’m mike pence”

10. Jonnifer Lopez—@senderblock23

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Twitter Bio: dipstick
Best Recent Tweet: Big bird’s middle name is damn
Runner-Up: The ppl who insist u say happy holidays instead of merry christmas are just trying to Police Navidad. thanks

9. Aparna Nancherla—@aparnapkin

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Twitter Bio: I am a scrunched up napkin with recyclable dreams. Also a comedian in some cultures. Total drag in others. album available here:
Best Recent Tweet: 19 hours ago 2016 was like a house party you dunno how you ended up at, where all your friends left early & suddenly, there’s a burning cross on the lawn
Runner-Up: For a silly fun: whenever you introduce yourself to someone, chase it with “sorry you had to find out like this”

8. Wint—@dril

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Twitter Bio: blocked by bubba burger for no reason
Best Recent Tweet: i will not build a single snow man… until i respect , all of the real men, first
Runner-Up: if you have ever retweetted me without it equaling endorsing me , i will shatter your smart ass little turd stained laptop against my legs

7. Dave Dittell—@davedittell

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Twitter Bio: 7 time 5th grade speling champion
Best Recent Tweet: [me] life is interminable suffering perpetuated by our bourgeoisie values
[also me] the subtle hints of oak in this microbrew are a disaster
Runner-Up: sure mistakes were made in Iraq, Libya, and Syria but the war on terror needed to happen or else we’d still have terrorism to this very day 7 replies 83 retweets 311 likes

6. David Itzkoff—@ditzkoff

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Twitter Bio: ‘’As a Jew, I’m very judgmental. As a street Jew, doubly so.’’ —Sidney Lumet
Best Recent Tweet: Our authorities have intel on a grinch-like figure who plans to steal Christmas; to avoid politicizing it, they’ll make it public on Jan 1.
Runner-Up: Today was a very long year

5. Maura Quint—@behindyourback

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Twitter Bio: Onion contributor, sometimes Playboy, Death & Taxes, Someecards, McSweeney’s let me write stuff. I want to join your band. contact: quintmaura at gmail com
Best Recent Tweet: This was a fantastic year if your life goal was to find valid, meaningful reasons to be deeply disgusted with nearly everyone you encounter.
Runner-Up: Anyone who’s ever tried to call me elitist and out of touch completely missed the kill argument which is that I put capers in my egg salad.

4. Brendan O’Hare—@brendohare

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Twitter Bio: writer for the new jon stewart show on hbo. former clickhole
Best Recent Tweet: Say what you want about 2016, but at least the Challenger didn’t explode again
Runner-Up: The Trump administration is made up of horrible monsters. Also please don’t make a loud noise at Mike Pence when he’s at the popular musical


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Best Recent Tweet: mothers and children being rounded up and deported: totally cool
mother and children getting yelled at briefly on airplane: BEYOND THE PALE
Runner-Up: trump inauguration lineup:
-jeff dunham
-white nationalist brony trance dj “odin’s hoof”
-jeff dunham some more

2. Jeb Lund—@Mobute

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Twitter Bio: Freelance. Formerly: Guardian & Rolling Stone. Sometimes: Deadspin, Esquire, GQ, SBNation, TNR, Vice. Bad Book Reviewer: @allinwithchris. Registered sexhaver.
Best Recent Tweet: (my house, 20 years from now, listening to “baby, it’s cold outside”)
my son: man, this song is real weird
me: it used to get cold outside
Runner-Up: I’m now hearing this meme that says Ross, Rachel et. al are doing nothing, just broke up. Guys. It’s time for some game theory.

1. Umami Skelton—@Merman_Melville

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Twitter Bio: [blank]
Best Recent Tweet: A) Mocking politicians won’t curtail their destructive policies
B) Mike Pence looks like he thinks drinking milk protects him from lesbians
Runner-Up: The coolest thing about me is I have a secret identity. The least cool thing about me is that it’s this twitter persona.