Turkish-Americans don’t have a lot of celebrities and public figures. That’s why when Dr. (Mehmet) Oz first appeared on TV, I was proud to see a name and a face that felt familiar. I never actually watched the show, since I wasn’t a lonely middle-aged woman who owned a shower handle with riot-cannon-grade water pressure, but it gave me comfort to know that America was looking up to a Turkish doctor. However, just like the wizard in the story, Dr. Oz eventually turned out to be a charlatan who pushes bullshit “alternative” treatments for a quick buck. This caused me to ignore him and move on.
That all changed when Oz, who looks like a mid-transition Nosferatu, went on Sean Hannity’s show to say that people should sacrifice two to three percent of the children population so schools can reopen. You can watch the clip here, but be warned that your arm will gain sentience and punch through your screen. Of course we all want to shower Oz with the vilest insults available in English, but why not go the extra mile by tweeting him some creative curses in Turkish as well? This is where I come in. You’re welcome.
Here are the best Turkish curses you can send Dr. Oz’s way.
Dalyarak: The direct translation is “dick with shaft,” so it gives a bit more flavor to the vanilla insult of calling someone a prick. It’s a quick and clever way of inferring that the recipient is both an asshole and a fucking idiot.
Yarragimin sol tassagi: Another phallus-based insult, this time meant to describe someone who’s not worth your time. It means “my cock’s left nut,” and is an especially demeaning way to tell the recipient that they’re not even worth sucking your dick, or your right testicle.
Orospu cocugu: This one’s simple: “Son of a bitch.” I know that we’re not supposed to shame sex workers, so this insult’s a bit outré in polite society nowadays. But try to pronounce this out loud, while especially putting the emphasis on the “r” sound. It feels so good rolling off your tongue.
Agzina sicayim: This is more of a threat than an insult, but its sheer shock value will make anyone stop on their tracks and reconsider their life choices. It literally translates to “I’ll shit in your mouth.”
Amcik hosafi: “Amcik,” roughly translated to “tiny pussy,” is great on its own as a simple and quick insult. Calling someone a “pussy” in English-speaking cultures implies that the recipient is a coward. In Turkish culture, it’s meant to describe an insufferable weasel, sort of the way the four-letter c-word is used in Great Britain and Australia. “Amcik hosafi” means “stewed tiny pussy,” so it implies that the recipient is a c—- whose brain turned to mush. I ask you, is there a better way to describe Dr. Oz?
Anani tavana asarim, amina simac basarim: Now that we’re done with the basics, let’s up the game difficulty with this gem. Translation: “I’ll hang your mother to the ceiling and dunk on your pussy.”
Ananin amina cam diker, golgesinde bacini sikerim, dogmamis yigenlerinin tohumuna katkida bulunurum: Finally, this one must be played on expert difficulty, so only attempt it after mastering what came before. Take a deep breath, and read the translation in one fell swoop: “I’ll plant a pine tree in your mother’s pussy, fuck your sister in its shade, contributing to your unborn nieces’ and nephews’ seeds.”
And there you have it: the only valid responses you can have to Dr. Oz at this point.
Oktay Ege Kozak is a screenwriter, script coach and film critic. He lives near Portland, Ore., with his wife, daughter, and two King Charles Spaniels.