Hey there, little guy! Are you feeling stressed? A little nervous about the new Ghostbusters? Did you watch the trailer for the Paul Feig reboot and whisper to yourself in the nothingness “These are not the replacement father figures that I’m used to. This is not papa Bill Murray, stern dad Harold Ramis, friendly father figure Ernie Hudson and loveable layabout Dan Aykroyd. These are not my replacement father figures of choice.” Before your undoubtedly disappointed thumb flies towards that dislike button on that YouTube video, please keep in mind that these new Ghostbusters can be replacement father figures, too. We promise!
True, I know you miss your old replacement father figure—the concept of Bill Murray being rude to a kid taking an ESP test. Why, when you grow up to be a man maybe you too can be that rude to the people around you! Who knows, maybe you can even be very rude to someone very special someday. But I promise these new Ghostbusters will also be rude! Did you see Leslie Jones slap Melissa McCarthy? These new Ghostbusters will be your new also rude father.
You don’t have to call the new Ghostbusters movie dad. The new Ghostbusters movie won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. I know you miss your old movie dad, the one who did fun things like call the EPA man dickless and accept blowjobs from ghosts. We know this new film probably can’t do anything that wacky and will probably have cool ghost adventures instead. Yet, I beg of you, accept your new cinematic parent for who they are. Who knows, you might even like them a little.
And of course they have traits that the other movie you for some reason call dad doesn’t have. Has anyone ever made it all the way through Ghostbusters 2? Like can anyone even describe what happens in Ghostbusters 2? I’ve seen 10,000 dolls of the weird marshmallow man from Ghostbusters, but does anyone own a doll of that weird creepy guy in the painting? The new Ghostbusters currently does not have a Ghostbusters 2 where a boring painting comes to life. It’s not perfect, but that much is true.
I know it’s been hard ever since Slimer moved away to college. And I know it’s been tough ever since Zuul moved to Boston for her new job at MIT. It’s been very lonely. Just you and Dan Aykroyd’s vague promises of still having Bill Murray’s phone number. But I promise, this new Ghostbusters will be there for you. It will be the parental figure you need in your life. It will be the weird replacement father you for some reason want Ghostbusters to be.
Why does Ghostbusters (1984) need to teach you about being a man? Why is Ghostbusters (1984) the one that must play catch and teach you how to fight and build things? That is a question between you and your very manly God. But I promise, Ghostbusters (2016), will listen to you. It will help you fight your battles and make you laugh about ghost barf along the way.
I just got a letter from Slimer. He writes: “College is great. And hey, your new old man ain’t so bad! Why not cut him some slack!” Very wise words from your older brother College the Slimer who goes to College and is Slimer. Look, life doesn’t go the way you want, but this new movie loves your mother— a cross between the concept of franchise demands and actual progress in mass media—very much.
It’s been 32 years since you watched the 1984 Ghostbusters movie first and said “This is my dad now”. I promise you, the new Ghostbusters will also be your dad.
Now if you don’t mind, the collective of Kate McKinnon, Kristen Wiig, Leslie Jones and Melissa McCarthy are going to sit down in their favorite chair, smoke a nice wooden pipe, and comfort you gently about being a huge goon about this entire thing. There there, sweet goon, there there.
Alex Firer has written for The Onion, Splitsider, Funny or Die and more. He’s on Twitter @AlexFirer.