EDITOR’S NOTE: This essay was published before the strange series of planetary explosions that eliminated Starkiller Base and Hosnian Prime. Investigation is still underway. We vow to uncover the cause of these unusual events.
Here at the Paste office on Coruscant, the reporters of this venerable thousand-year-old magazine note that the corrupt bureaucrats of the New Republic have once again decided to abandon the quest for peace. Why? So they can continue their bizarre war against the so-called shadowy “Sith” wizards — if they even exist.
Some of our readers may not be old enough to remember recent history. And that’s okay; after all, the Palpatine Administration and the Alliance to Restore the Republic fought a long and bloody series of engagements over twenty years, and there were heroes on both sides. It was a period of civil war.
After the Battle of Endor, the Galactic Empire disintegrated into a collection of warring coalitions. Various strongmen—oppressive reformers with results named Imperial Moffs—ruled over the shattered territories. The Rebellion gave way to the New Republic. A year and four days after the destruction of Death Star II, the Battle of Jakku was fought. That brought an end to the Civil War. Both sides signed the Galactic Concordance. A bipartisan future seemed assured: Ewoks for some, sandy sandness for others.
I know, I know, you’re saying “I learned this all in holo-class.” You’re probably also familiar with some of these details from your history book:
Following the end of the war with the signing of the Galactic Concordance, the Republic hastily passed the Military Disarmament Act seeking to prevent a repeat of galactic history; and instead focused on strengthening the forces of local planetary governments and reconstruction efforts to worlds ravaged by the conflict
The New Galactic Republic is a fraction of the size of the old Empire. But that’s another story.
The capital of our so-called New Republikkk (misspelling deliberate!) rotates from planet to planet. Recently, it was relocated to Hosnian Prime. It’s all to avoid the negative connotations of returning to Coruscant—the capital of the Imperial government and the Old Republic.
Assuming nothing happens to the government, it will return to Chandrila in the next term.
After the foundation of the New Republic, the Imperial-influenced parties broke away to become the New Order. The Order poured resources and dynamic sensibilities into gigantic public works projects, such as Friendship Base, which our own mainstream media labels as “Starkiller Base.” True, the New Order has been critiqued by liberal newschannels, but let’s face facts: these endeavors were by job creators, who wanted shovel-ready employment. Call it “home front economics.” Noted traveling intergalactic columnist Tohm Free D’man had a great piece about it the other day.
As far as hitting the New Order, yes, there have been some human rights concerns. But we need to be critical of the other side as well. Dark side? Light side? Won’t somebody think of us vital centrists, here in the middle? After all, we’ve heard this song and dance before. General Leia Organa, a long-time warmonger and former “Princess,” has been trying to stir up trouble for years now.
Now, we here at Paste are known mostly for our music reviews of the Galactic indie scene: our sampler with The Modal Nodes and The Max Rebo Band is still celebrated across multiple systems, as if millions of voices had suddenly cried out “This is awesome.” Paste is also the travel magazine that gave the Kessel Run five stars. We consider ourselves an elegant magazine for this more civilized age. Which is why speaking up during this time is so crucial: we’ve heard that noted math band Kanjiklub has turned to organized crime. Only imperial trendspotters could be so accurate. So we’ve decided to comment on politics.
Which brings us to “the General.” Having found no place in the post-Sheev Palpatine order, Organa spends most of her time feuding with her estranged con-artist husband, Han Solo. Organa has been grousing for years about the empire “striking back.” Solo, gossip has it, has been trafficking in endangered animals from the Outer Rim with his life-partner, the rough-trade Wookie Chewbacca, a violent drifter who regularly threatens protocol and astromech droids. What’s more, the guy wears a bandolier around his body, in clear violation of open-carry restrictions.
It gets crazier. Organa and Solo’s son, Ben, is known mostly for his public tantrums, interest in the goth scene, and subsequent disappearance several years ago. That was after the New Republic’s failed investment in a weird fundamentalist charter school, the “Jedi Academy.” It’s time for us to separate religion and government, and this odd collapse proved it. There hasn’t been a lot of data on it. It’s been hushed up considerably since that time.
Gosh, why don’t you try spinning some more? That’s a good trick.
Well, this reporter has been from one side of the galaxy to another, and ancient hoaxes and false narratives are no match for the truth at your side.
Stranger still, however, is the veteran and crony of the New Republic elite, Luke Skywalker, whose story has to read to be believed.
If you remember, Skywalker first came to light as the hero of the Battle of Yavin, although we have no independent confirmation of what he actually did, beyond turning off his targeting computer at a critical moment. Glen Yar-Greenwaldo has recently published correspondence suggesting that an Artoo unit was sacrificed during the battle. What exactly happened? We will never truly know, given the secretive nature of the Mothma Administration.
There are rumors that Luke is distantly related to the tragic trophy husband of the late Senator Amidala from Naboo, Anakin Skywalker. Anakin, a former podracing champion from the hellish Outer Region, was another religious cultist from the pre-Palpatine days who died during the Clone Wars. Given how common the Skywalker name is, it’s probably just coincidence. Still: a weird omen.
Luke Skywalker’s backstory is typical of this neo-Republic elite: a very dubious past. Let’s put it bluntly: from all reports, this redneck kid grew up shooting dog-sized womp rats—gentle giants of the desert—from the back of his floating pickup truck. He came of age mooching off his aunt and uncle on a backwater moisture farm, on the depraved planet of Tatooine. Those of you familiar with sticks politics may remember Tatooine as the hovel that was once run by the noted crime lord Jabba the Hutt. Skywalker, we’re told, after a power converter incident at one “Tosche Station,” was slated to join the Imperial Academy.
It was only after he came under the influence of fundamentalist jihadi “Ben” Kenobi that he self-radicalized, and teamed up with the Rebel Alliance. Where did he dig up this old fossil? Nobody knows. I know this is uncomfortable for a lot of our readers, but we need to stop idolizing the Founders of the Republic. They were flesh and blood like the rest of us.
The next report of the Skywalker-Kenobi strike cell is an appearance in a cantina in Tatooine’s Mos Eisley. Two local entrepreneurs, a Rodian known locally as “Greedo” and an Aqualish adventurer named Ponda Baba – called “Walrus Man” by his friends – were killed and maimed, respectively, in some kind of altercation.
This wasn’t the last time Skywalker was involved in a serious bodily injury. Second-hand reports from ex-Rebels on Hoth suggest Skywalker went out into a frozen hell to search for-you guessed it-womp rats, only to be rescued by an enraged Solo. Indeed, if half of what we’ve heard is true, Skywalker’s erratic behavior over the last years of the Civil War was motivated almost exclusively by an obsession with hunting womp rats—in swamps, on forest moons, in Sarlacc pits.
Speaking of second-hand reports, “Jedi Master” Skywalker’s hand was later lost in suspicious circumstances. Additionally, the nature of his association with differently-abled Palpatine-era thought-leader Darth Vader is not entirely known. Some suspect collusion between the two. Even weirder, several years later, the crime lord Jabba was strangled to death by Organa. Pictures of the General, wearing a skin-revealing outfit, suggests this incident was, perhaps, a romantic liaison between the two powerbrokers that went horribly wrong.
Longtime readers will note, these “heroes” were the same people who lost a priceless heirloom, the Corellian freighter named the Millennium Falcon. The ship, whose whereabouts are still unknown, was taken from the equally shady Lando Calrissian, a flamboyant rake who had dubious history as a manager-lobbyist for the Bespin gas trust.
You’re probably familiar with this cast of moof milkers, who have been long-time hives of scum and villainy in our Republic. Incredibly, we hear reports that they’re training their own militias of religious zealots and trying to “awaken” “the Force.” The more rational among us will note that their sad devotion to that ancient superstition has not helped them conjure up true reform, or given them clairvoyance enough to deal with the problematic issues posed by the New Order.
Reports from multiple sources suggest that Organa is mounting some kind of quasi-insurgent “Resistance,” if such a thing can be believed. However, there is still a chance for new hope. Leaders on both sides still hope peace can be negotiated. If the legacy of the late civil rights icon Senator Binks means anything to us, we must make every attempt to stop any and all of these star wars. Whatever the end result of these talks, we have a long way to go, and a solution is far, far away.