Look Upon KFC's New "Chizza" and Despair

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Look Upon KFC's New "Chizza" and Despair

While we’re still reeling over the as-of-yet unseen ramifications of Taco Bell’s Naked Chicken Chalupa here in the States, Singapore is facing an altogether unimaginable new horror from Taco Bell’s Yum! Brands sibling, Kentucky Fried Chicken. KFC has seemingly decided to try their own hand at playing God, bringing forth a creation from the depths of hell that rivals Frankenstein’s monster: the Chizza, as in chicken-pizza, but not the way you would want to consume a chicken pizza.

Yeah, that’s the name. The Chizza is brought to life by deep-frying a hand-battered chicken breast, slathering on a thin layer of pizza sauce and finally topping it off with pineapple, “chicken ham,” mozzarella cheese and drizzling a gelatinous-looking “KFC Cheese Sauce.” What fresh hell is this? What have we done? What is chicken ham???

KFC Singapore is celebrating their newest arrival through Twitter, featuring a nice little video that you can see below. There’s no word on whether we’ll see this monster making landfall in the U.S., kaiju-style, with our very democracy in question. At least, that’s how we imagine it will come to this side of the Pacific: a slow lumbering beast ready to fight a similarly sized Naked Chicken Chalupa for dominion over the U.S. and our waistlines. Or flash-frozen in cardboard boxes, ready to be served by your local greasy, angry youngster.

Either way, some of us will surely love it. And that’s how it all ends, isn’t it? With a small phrase, uttered over lukewarm potato wedges and flat Mountain Dew, saying, “Hey, I’ll try anything.”